So, as the year comes to an end it's time for reflections, right? What you regret, what you wished for and didn't get, what you reached... The list really is endless what you can think about.
As you all know, 2017 was a fucked up year for me. Too many days where I told people what they wanted to hear instead of what I was thinking:
Yes, I'm okay, I'm getting there.
It's a good day today.
No, I'm okay, you don't have to come over.
For me, too, there was a lot of regret. Times I wish I'd called my dad more, although I know it wouldn't have changed anything. Times I wished I would've been brave enough to see my grandma more before she passed away.
Times I wished I would've stood up for myself in front of family and friends.
I guess that's what I regret most. Having realized that you have friends who you can be absolutely honest with because they understand, and having friends who—luckily for them—just don't get it, and you can't explain it. I gave up trying at some point, too. That's what I regret, too. Not being honest when I should've been because I would've hurt less. Instead I thought of the person at the other and of the talk and didn't want them to hurt.
The year was filled with disappointments, too. A lot. Because there's nothing worse than realizing you're not as important to people as you thought you were. It hurts when you know you CAN'T tell someone close to you how you're doing, how you got up and cried, and cried all day, even while texting with that person. How you fell asleep crying while telling that person how things will be good no matter what.
Or how you cry while looking at all the happy pictures.
So, no, I'm not okay and most of the days I don't even feel like I'm getting there, BUT if this year has taught me anything it's that you find your heart soothed and eased by people you'd never have expected it from. And that no matter what, online doesn't necessarily mean far away. I've had people comfort me this year that were a thousand miles away and still felt as if they sat right next to me, hugging me (I'm looking at you, Mr. Terry Cole and you, Miss Jennison) even if it a physical one. I've had Allana, who has no idea how much she always managed to make me smile even through tears. Online means for me your on ONE LINE with your friends, if you met them before or not.
No, today is not a good day because you know most what you're missing when you come to those days when you used to have routines with the people you're missing. I spent my Christmas crying because my grandma didn't make the potato salad we always have. And because I know my dad wasn't going to call me. It was the worst Christmas ever, and yet... There was my mom, who tried everything to make it great, perfect really. She did amazing. She was amazing. I cannot put in words what it meant to me what she tried to do, and seeing her hurt hurt me so much more than anything else did, because let's face it, if you want things to be perfect, they never work out.
Mom, I love you, and you did incredible. Seriously. One day we'll do Christmas in Australia, away from complicated husbands and stressed-out families.
Yes, come fucking over and see me. If you have the feeling your friends need to see you, go and see them. Don't make them beg for your attention, or wait for them to tell you they hoped and prayed you were coming, but didn't want to bother you. Make sure your friends know they're not a bother, they're not the second choice.
Come and see me. All of you. If you need to get out, come and see me. Take that car, that train, that plane. I'll pick you up. I'll listen to you. I'll be your friend.
And that's what leads me to my conclusion, what 2017 really brought me. It's friends and support beyond what I could've ever envisioned. You made 2017 a little less horrible. Thank you. Because of you all I will walk out of this year with my head held high and hope in my heart.