Loss and cold November weather

So, as some of you maybe know I lost my grandma this year February and my dad in August. While one death is rather fresh, the other is nearing its 1st anniversary faster than I ever thought possible. The thing is, my grandma went to the hospital beginning of December and never made it out again, so my family and I grew closer last year Christmas—closer than we've all been for a long time due to fights, new partners and whatnot—and will get even closer this year as we celebrate it without my grandma (and for my sister and me without my dad, too).

I know people say there's no rule to grieving, and everyone's different, but I find myself caught

off-guard by tears more often than not during the last time. I cried every day last week because something small reminded me of either my granny or my dad.

Yesterday they showed a commercial for a remixed version of one of my dad's favorite songs—full on with strings and all, and although it's a techno-pop-song, I burst into tears. I've been doing okay-ish, and although they are never far from my mind, and even if I've never been one who got down because of the weather, November with its cold and foggy weather gets to me. There are so many things I dread this year about Christmas and the time before, I have no idea how I'll make it through those days.

Surprisingly, people look at you weirdly if you just stand there, tearing up. At best they pat your shoulder when you say it was just a memory causing the tears. At worst they tell you it's already been so long. I mean, seriously, what the hell is long? I've known some people for more than five years and I still feel as if that's not a long time.

Plus... Can there be an end to missing a person you love? Seriously? I doubt that, especially if you have small reminders of them everywhere. I'm doing great talking about them a lot of times because the memories make me smile, and so does realizing certain behaviors I got from them I most likely will pass on to my niece or nephew and other people I know. But this week? This month so far? I'm not doing good. I probably will have a lot of days were I'm doing worse than not good, and I'm sitting here feeling guilty for that because people know me as a happy person, cheery and all. I know it's wrong, but I can't help it because I've seen over the course of the year that some people don't handle it well if you don't say you're fine and happy and have a great day. I've lost friends over the course of this year and although it's okay because I think it's their loss, I still can't help but wish I was a little more me again.

I miss being me. I miss being the person people can go to to gather strength because making others feel better makes me feel better, too.

Most of the time I don't even tell people I'm not okay. And here's where I'm going with that: Thank you to those people who get me even if I don't say it. To those people who know that 'I'm okay' sometimes means you're anything but, but the worry about people asking you 'you're having a bad day again?' will make you lie anyway.

Yes, yes, I do have a bad day again, and it's because of people like you that I feel bad for missing two people that were so damn important in my life and are gone now.

However, during all those tears I'm more grateful than ever for my people, my tribe, who love me even after I haven't messaged them in months, haven't talk to them in forever. Thank you to those who welcome me back with open arms. Thank you to those who manage to make me smile without even knowing how much it means to me that they try. Thank you for making November a little less horrible just by cyber-hugging me. Thank you.


Love always,

Sam

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